How to get the spark back: 12 steps for couples who've drifted apart

The spark rarely goes out all at once. It slowly gets smothered by routine, exhaustion and everyday life, until one day you notice you're mostly two people sharing a fridge. The good news is that it can usually be rekindled. It doesn't take grand gestures, just doing a few things differently, and then doing them again.

Updated September 29, 2026

What is the spark, anyway?

The spark is that feeling of being curious about each other. Looking forward to getting home. Getting a little warm when your partner texts. Spotting them across a crowded room and thinking, that's my person. It's about desire, but also about attention, play and feeling seen.

In the beginning it comes on its own, because everything is new. After a few years most things are familiar. You know how the other takes their coffee, what they say when they're tired and how the evening will go. That security is lovely, but the spark needs something more to stay alive. It needs curiosity, and curiosity needs something new to wake up to.

Why couples drift apart

• Everyday life takes up all the room. Work, kids, housework and logistics. You mostly talk about who's doing pickup and what you need from the store. Our guide on when everyday life takes over goes deeper on that.
• You take each other for granted. What felt like a gift in the beginning becomes a given. Nobody says thanks for the other person still being there.
• You stop asking. You think you know everything about each other, so you stop being curious. But people change all the time.
• Exhaustion. By evening there's only energy left for the couch and a screen each.
• What goes unsaid. Small irritations that never get brought up settle like a layer between you.

None of this means the love is gone. It just means you've stopped feeding it. And you can start again.

How to get the spark back: 12 practical steps

Pick two or three that feel inviting and start there. Doing a little, often, beats doing everything once.

Start small

• Kiss each other properly. Not a quick peck at the door, but a kiss that lasts six seconds or more. It sounds silly. Try it anyway, every day for a week.
• Say hello and goodbye like you mean it. Put your phone down when the other comes home. Look up, walk over, hug. These tiny moments set the tone for the whole evening.
• Say what you're thinking. If you think your partner looks good, say it. If you felt proud of them, say it. Appreciation that stays in your head doesn't do anyone any good.
• Touch each other more. A hand on the back as you walk past, your feet in their lap on the couch. Touch that doesn't ask for anything back quietly builds closeness.

TipTry twenty minutes a day where you're just with each other. No phones, no TV, no planning. Lie in bed, sit on the balcony or go for a walk. It's surprising how much can happen in twenty minutes.

Get curious again

• Ask new questions. Not “how was work?”, but “what made you laugh today?” or “what are you dreaming about right now?”. Questions you've never asked get answers you've never heard.
• See your partner from the outside. Watch them when they're doing something they're good at, talking with friends or telling you about something they love. It's easy to forget that the person you live with is someone other people find fascinating.
• Tell them something about you. A dream you've never said out loud, a memory you haven't shared, something you've been thinking about. Opening up often wakes the other person's curiosity back up.

Do something new together

• Break the pattern. New experiences together often bring back the same butterflies as in the beginning. It doesn't have to be big. A new walking route, a restaurant you've never tried, a class in something you're both bad at.
• Plan dates. Real dates, with a time, a place and a bit of anticipation. If getting out is hard, date night at home can do the job just as well, as long as it feels different from a regular evening.
• Play more. A challenge, a game, a contest over who makes the best pasta. When things get playful, you stop being coworkers for a while and become a couple again.

Wake up desire

• Flirt like you're not together yet. A text in the middle of the day that's only about them. A look across the dinner table. A whisper in their ear on your way out. Anticipation is a big part of desire.
• Slow down. If sex has become routine, break it. Take longer, switch rooms, change the time of day. It's the same two people, but it can feel completely new.

Make a plan for the next four weeks

Good intentions disappear easily into everyday life. A simple plan helps. Here's a suggestion you can change as much as you like.

• Week one. Long kisses every day and proper hellos and goodbyes. Nothing else.
• Week two. Add twenty screen-free minutes a day, and ask a new question every evening.
• Week three. Plan a date, at home or out. Whoever plans it gets to decide everything.
• Week four. Do something you've never done before. Then switch roles and let the other plan the next one.

After four weeks, talk about what felt best and keep it. For many couples it turns into a new habit.

Talk about wanting the spark back

Saying it out loud can feel scary. What if the other person takes it as criticism? But most people are relieved when someone finally says it. Start with yourself and with longing, not with what's missing.

• “I miss us. I want us to find our way back to how it felt when we couldn't wait to see each other.”
• “I've noticed we mostly talk about practical stuff. Can we find time that's just for us?”
• “What did you love about us in the beginning? I want to do more of that.”

If there are things rubbing between you, it's worth dealing with those first. It's hard to fall for someone again while you're annoyed with them. Our guide on how to feel closer to your partner has more on finding your way back to each other emotionally.

TipIf it's hard to know what the other person misses, don't ask outright. Let each of you answer separately instead. In Hintt you only see what you both want, so nobody has to guess or go first. You can try it here.

What kills the spark

• Waiting for it to come back on its own. Sometimes it does, but more often it needs a nudge.
• Comparing with the beginning. You can't recreate early infatuation exactly, and you don't need to. What you can build now is something deeper.
• Turning it into a performance project. The spark comes from play and curiosity, not schedules and demands.
• Only one of you trying. It doesn't have to be even every day, but you both need to want it.

When is it time to get help?

If you've tried for a long time but still feel like strangers, if there are fights you can't get past or if one of you is no longer sure they want to stay, a couples therapist can help. Many couples go because they want more of each other, not because they're in crisis. It's a way of taking care of what you have.

The spark is a habit

It can feel like the spark is something that's either there or not. But for couples who've been together a long time, it's more like a fire that needs wood. A little now and then is enough. A kiss that lingers, a question you've never asked, an evening that doesn't look like the others. Start with one thing tonight.