Low libido in a relationship: how to find your way back to desire

Low libido in a relationship is something a lot of couples go through, and most find their way back. Desire rarely disappears for one single reason. It gets crowded out by stress, routine and everyday life, and it may need to be woken up in new ways. Here's what's going on, fourteen concrete things to try and when it's time to get support.

Updated September 29, 2026

Why does libido drop in a relationship?

First, the most important part. Low sex drive doesn't mean the love is gone, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you either. Desire isn't a fixed trait. It rises and falls over a lifetime, and it's affected by almost everything happening around you.

Everyday life takes over

Work, kids, housework, logistics. When most of your conversations are about who's doing pickup and what you need from the store, it's easy to turn into coworkers on a shared project. It's hard to feel desirable halfway through a debate about the laundry schedule.

Stress and exhaustion

Your body prioritizes. When you're stressed, sleeping badly or carrying a lot in your head, desire drops way down the list. There's nothing strange about that. Your body is just doing its job.

Routine

Same time, same place, same order. Familiar and safe feels good, but it easily gets predictable. Curiosity is a big part of desire, and curiosity needs something new to wake it up.

Mismatched libidos

Two people almost never want exactly the same amount at exactly the same time. When one wants sex more often, a pattern easily sets in. One initiates and feels rejected, the other feels pressured and pulls away. The more it happens, the more loaded the whole subject gets, and the less desire is left on both sides.

Other things that play a part

• Unresolved conflict or resentment quietly simmering.
• Big changes, like a move, a new job or a new baby.
• How you feel in your body and about your body.
• Medication, hormones, illness or pain, which are worth bringing up with a doctor.

Spontaneous vs. responsive desire, explained simply

Maybe the most freeing thing to understand about desire is that it works in two different ways. Most people recognize both, at different points in life.

• Spontaneous desire shows up on its own. You're thinking about sex, you get in the mood and you initiate. It's the kind you see in movies, and the kind a lot of people feel early in a relationship.
• Responsive desire shows up once something gets it going. You're not really in the mood, but when you start kissing, when you're touched or when the atmosphere is right, desire wakes up. It responds instead of starting.

Both are equally normal and equally real. The trouble starts when you believe only the spontaneous kind counts. Then the partner with responsive desire may think they've lost their libido completely, when it just needs a different way in. And the partner with spontaneous desire may think the other doesn't want them, when they just need a little warming up first.

TipAsk yourselves “Do I usually get in the mood out of nowhere, or mostly once we've already started?” Talking about your answers can change how you read each other's moves.

How to increase libido together: 14 things to try

Not every idea fits every couple. Pick two or three that appeal to you and start there, rather than trying everything at once.

Take the pressure off

• Remove the goal. Agree to be close without it having to lead to sex. When the pressure disappears, desire has room to grow on its own.
• Touch without an agenda. Hugs, a hand on the back, a massage that's just a massage. Touch that doesn't always lead somewhere makes it easier to welcome touch at all.
• Swap “not tonight” for something else. “I'm not in the mood for sex, but I'd love to lie close to you” keeps the closeness even when the answer is no.

Talk in a new way

• Talk about desire outside the bedroom. On a walk or over dinner, not in the moment. Our guide on how to talk about sex with your partner has lines you can borrow.
• Say what turns you on. Not just what you want to do, but what gets you in the mood. A slow evening? Being pursued? Being seen as more than a parent or a roommate?
• Say what turns you off. Stress, a messy bedroom, phones in bed. Often it's easy to change.
• Share your fantasies. You don't have to act any of them out. Just talking can spark curiosity. More in our guide to sexual fantasies in a relationship.

Make room for each other

• Schedule time together. Booking intimacy sounds unromantic, but for many couples it's the only thing that makes it happen. You're not booking sex, just time for the two of you.
• Do something new together. New experiences tend to make you curious about each other again. It can be as simple as a themed date night at home you've never tried.
• Watch your partner shine. See them doing something they're great at. Seeing each other in a new light can wake something up.
• Flirt in everyday life. A text in the middle of the day, a look across the dinner table, a compliment that has nothing to do with the dishes. Small signals build anticipation.

Spark some curiosity

• Stretch out foreplay. Especially with responsive desire, the body needs time. Go slower than usual. Our foreplay tips are full of ideas.
• Change the scenery. Another room, another time of day, a hotel for one night. The same two people feel different in a new place.
• Play more. Games make it less serious and more fun. A challenge, a surprise, a silly rule. When it gets playful, yes gets easier.

When you have mismatched libidos

When you want different amounts, one of you easily becomes “the problem.” But there is no right level of desire, only a way that works for both of you, and you find it together.

• If you want more. Try not to take a no personally. Find other ways to get closeness and reassurance, and offer touch that doesn't ask for anything back.
• If you want less. Share what helps you get in the mood, and say what you'd actually enjoy instead of just saying no.
• Both of you. Talk about what sex means to each of you. For one it may be about feeling loved, for the other about letting go of stress. Once you understand that, it's easier to meet in the middle.

It can also help to find out what you're both curious about without anyone having to go first. In Hintt you each answer privately, and only what you both want shows up. No guessing, and whatever appears is already a mutual yes.

When desire disappeared after having kids

The baby and toddler years are when many couples feel like desire has moved out. There's never enough sleep, your body may feel unfamiliar, and all your closeness goes to a tiny person who needs you constantly. No wonder there's not much left at night.

Be kind to yourselves. Lower the expectations for a while and hold on to the small stuff, like a kiss in the hallway, sitting close on the couch or asking how the other is really doing. Split the night shifts so you both get sleep, because exhaustion is one of the biggest desire killers there is. And if something feels wrong in your body after giving birth, or you've felt low for a long time, talk to a doctor.

What rarely helps

• Nagging. It creates more pressure, and pressure kills desire faster than anything.
• Going along with it when you don't want to. It can feel generous in the moment, but over time it turns sex into a chore.
• Keeping score. How often you have sex says little about how you're doing. Comparing with other couples, or with how it used to be, mostly adds stress.
• Waiting for it to fix itself. Sometimes it does. More often you need to do something, even something small.

Sexless relationship? When to get help

Desire going up and down is normal. But sometimes you need more than good advice. Get support if any of this sounds familiar.

• Your desire has been gone for a long time and it's making you unhappy.
• Sex hurts or feels uncomfortable.
• You feel anxiety, dread or aversion around sex.
• The change came suddenly, for example after a new medication, childbirth or an illness.
• You've talked and tried, but keep getting stuck in the same pattern.

You can talk to a doctor, a therapist or a sex therapist, or see a couples therapist together. Getting help isn't a defeat. It's a sign your relationship is worth taking care of.

Small steps are enough

Desire rarely comes back in one night. It grows from small things repeated. A hug that asks for nothing, a conversation that wasn't awkward, an evening that was simply fun. Pick one thing from the list above and start there. Want something playful to try? Browse our sex games for couples.