36 questions to fall in love: the full list and how to do it

The 36 questions come from a study where researchers wanted to see if two strangers could grow close in under an hour. The questions get more personal as you go, and they work just as well for couples who have been together for years. Here are all 36, how to do them and why they work.

Updated September 29, 2026

Where do the 36 questions come from?

The questions were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues in the US, and the study was published in 1997. The idea was to find out whether closeness can be created on purpose. Two people who didn't know each other sat together and took turns answering the questions, in three rounds that got more and more personal. Afterwards they often felt noticeably closer than pairs who had spent the same amount of time making small talk.

The study was about closeness, not about finding love. But the questions got a whole new life many years later, when a widely read newspaper essay described someone trying them on a date and falling in love. Since then they've been known as the 36 questions to fall in love.

How to do it

1. Pick a calm moment. Plan for about an hour, more if you can. No phones, no TV in the background.
2. Sit so you can see each other. Across the table, cross-legged on the couch or on a blanket outside.
3. Take turns. One of you reads the question out loud and answers first, then the other answers. The other person starts the next question.
4. Go in order. The questions are built to get deeper step by step. Don't skip to the end.
5. Give each set about fifteen minutes. If you don't get through them all, move on to the next set anyway. The deepening is what does the work.
6. Finish with four minutes. Many people choose to sit in silence and look into each other's eyes for four minutes afterwards. It wasn't part of the original study, but it's become part of the tradition. It usually feels awkward for thirty seconds and then very close.

TipDon't read through the questions ahead of time. It's easier to be honest when you haven't had time to prepare a polished answer.

All 36 questions

Here are the questions, lightly adapted so they work for any couple. “Your partner” means the person you're doing them with.

Set 1

• 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
• 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
• 3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
• 4. What would a perfect day look like for you?
• 5. When did you last sing to yourself? And to someone else?
• 6. If you could live to 90 and keep either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
• 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
• 8. Name three things you and your partner seem to have in common.
• 9. What in your life do you feel most grateful for?
• 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• 11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as you can.
• 12. If you could wake up tomorrow with any one new quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

• 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
• 14. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
• 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• 16. What do you value most in a friendship?
• 17. What is your most treasured memory?
• 18. What is your most painful memory?
• 19. If you knew you would die suddenly in one year, would you change anything about the way you live now? Why?
• 20. What does friendship mean to you?
• 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
• 22. Take turns sharing something you consider a positive trait in your partner. Five things each.
• 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most people's?
• 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

• 25. Make three true “we” statements each. For example, “We are both in this room feeling …”.
• 26. Finish this sentence. “I wish I had someone I could share … with.”
• 27. If you and your partner were going to become close friends, what would be important for them to know about you?
• 28. Tell your partner what you like about them. Be very honest this time, and say things you wouldn't say to someone you've just met.
• 29. Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
• 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? And on your own?
• 31. Tell your partner something you already like about them.
• 32. What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
• 33. If you were to die this evening with no chance to talk to anyone first, what would you most regret not having said? Why haven't you said it yet?
• 34. Your home, with everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make one last dash and save a single item. What would it be, and why?
• 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find hardest? Why?
• 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner how they would handle it. Also ask them to reflect back how you seem to be feeling about the problem you chose.

Why do the questions work?

There's nothing magic about the words themselves. What makes the difference is how the questions are built, and that's fairly simple to explain.

• They open you up step by step. You start with dinner guests and dream days and end with grief and regret. Nobody has to jump into the deep end right away.
• You take turns. When your partner opens up, it gets easier for you to do the same. It becomes an exchange, not an interrogation.
• You really listen. An hour of full attention on each other is rare these days. That alone does a lot. There's more on how in our guide on how to really listen to your partner.
• You say what you appreciate. Several questions ask you to tell the other person what you like about them. Hearing it out loud, with eye contact, gets to most people.
• It's a little vulnerable. Showing a side of yourself that doesn't come out day to day builds trust, and trust is the foundation of closeness.

Do the 36 questions work for long-term couples?

Yes, and maybe even better than you'd think. After a few years, most couples assume they know everything about each other. You know how your partner takes their coffee and what they think of the neighbors. But do you know what they'd regret most if tonight were their last? Or which memory is their most treasured right now, not ten years ago?

People change all the time, and so do their answers. Many couples who try the questions are surprised by how much new comes up. For couples who feel everyday life has taken over, it can be a way to get curious about each other again. There's more on that in our guide on how to feel closer to your partner.

Small tweaks for couples who are already together

• Question 8. Change it to three things you have in common that you rarely talk about.
• Question 11. Tell a part of your life from before you met that your partner doesn't know that well.
• Question 24. This one can be heavy. Feel free to swap it for a parent or someone else who took care of you, or skip it.
• Question 27. Think of it as “what do you want me to understand better about you?”.

TipDo the questions on your anniversary and save your answers. Next year you can do them again and compare. It becomes a little time capsule for the two of you.

Tips for a good evening with the 36 questions

• Don't judge the answers. Curiosity makes your partner dare to be honest next time too.
• Follow up. “Tell me more” is often worth more than the next question.
• It's okay to pass. If a question feels too big today, say so. You can come back to it another time.
• Have something nice to drink. Tea, wine or hot chocolate. It should feel like an evening, not a meeting.
• Let it take time. If you get stuck talking for half an hour on question 17, that's not a failure. That's exactly the point.

More questions when you're done

If you enjoyed this, there's plenty more to talk about. Our list of questions to ask your partner has 140 questions, from light and fun to deep and flirty. And if you'd like to keep going with new questions every week, where you each answer separately and only see what you both want, you can get started with Hintt.