Anal sex for beginners: how to make the first time feel good

Anal sex can feel amazing for every body, but it takes more time, more lube and more attentiveness than most things. The first time, the key is that the receiving partner sets the pace and that you start with fingers, not penetration. Here's how to talk about it, get ready and make it comfortable from the start.

Updated September 29, 2026

Why so many people are curious about anal

There are thousands of nerve endings around the anus, which is why touch there can feel so intense. For anyone with a prostate, there's also a spot a couple of inches in that many describe as a pleasure all of its own. For anyone with a vagina, anal can bring a sense of fullness and pressure that ripples through the whole pelvis.

It's also something plenty of people are curious about precisely because it feels a little forbidden. That's completely fine. And it's just as fine to try it and decide it isn't for you.

Talk about it first

Anal isn't something you surprise your partner with. Bring it up calmly, outside the bedroom, and make it a curious question rather than a request to be fulfilled. Our guide on how to talk about sex with your partner has more tips on finding the words.

• Who wants what? Do you want to give, receive or both? That goes for every body.
• How far? The first time, touching on the outside, or a single finger, might be plenty.
• What's worrying you? Pain, mess or it feeling strange are common concerns. Say them out loud. They usually shrink when you do.
• The receiving partner is in charge. Of the pace, the depth and when it's time to stop. Always.

How the body works

Knowing a little anatomy makes everything easier. The anus has two sphincter muscles. You control the outer one, while the inner one is reflexive and clenches when it feels something new. It needs time to adjust and relax. That's why it hurts when things go too fast, and why it can feel completely different after a few minutes of patience.

The rectum also curves slightly a couple of inches in, and unlike a vagina, it doesn't get wet on its own. So lube isn't an extra. It's a must.

Preparation and hygiene

This is what a lot of people worry about most, but it's simpler than you'd think. The rectum is usually close to empty, since stool collects further up.

• Use the bathroom a little while before if you feel the need.
• Shower and wash around the anus with lukewarm water and a little mild soap on the outside.
• Trim and file your nails. A sharp nail is felt far more there than anywhere else.
• Eat plenty of fiber the day before. It keeps your stomach calm and makes everything easier.
• Put a towel down. Then you don't have to think about the sheets.
• You don't need an enema. If you want to anyway, use only a little lukewarm water and don't do it too often, since it can irritate the lining.

And if things get a little messy anyway, it's no bigger deal than that. It happens, and it goes better if you can laugh about it and wipe up.

TipStart with an evening that's only about touching on the outside. No penetration at all. That way the receiving partner can get used to the feeling without waiting for anything, and it makes next time much easier.

Lube: more than you think

Use plenty of lube, then a bit more. Top up the moment it starts to feel dry. Here's what to know.

• Silicone-based lasts the longest and often feels best for anal. Don't use it with silicone toys.
• Water-based works with everything but dries out faster. Choose a thicker, gel-like one.
• Oil-based doesn't work with latex condoms.
• Skip numbing lube. Pain is your body's way of saying something is going too fast. You want to keep that signal.

Anal sex for the first time, step by step

1. Take your time with foreplay. The more aroused the body is, the more relaxed it gets. Find ideas in our foreplay tips.
2. Start on the outside. Massage around the anus with lube and one finger, in small circles. Without going in.
3. One finger, slowly. Have the receiving partner breathe out and bear down gently, as if letting something go. That helps the muscle open.
4. Pause and wait. Keep the finger still for a while once it's in. Let the inner muscle adjust before you move.
5. Two fingers or a small toy. Choose an anal toy with a flared base so it can't slip in too far. More on that in our guide to sex toys for couples.
6. Penetration last, or not at all. It's completely fine if the first time is only about fingers. Plenty of people find that's more than enough.
7. Talk the whole way. Slower, stop, more. The giving partner follows and asks.

Positions that make it easier

• Spooning. You lie on your sides, close together. Calm, intimate and easy to control the depth.
• The receiving partner on top. That way they set the pace and decide how far it goes.
• Lying face down with a pillow under the hips. Relaxed, and it gives the pelvis a good angle.

TipLet the receiving partner be the one who guides things in, either by steering your hand or by lowering themselves down. It's much easier to relax when you know nothing happens unless you choose it.

If you're the one giving

Your job is easy to describe and hard to do. Go slower than you think. What feels like forever to you usually feels just right to the one receiving.

• Watch and listen. Breathing, sounds and how the body tenses tell you more than words.
• Don't move first. Let your partner adjust, and wait until they start moving against you.
• Keep a hand somewhere else. A hand on the hip, stomach or genitals makes it feel better and calmer.
• Check in without nagging. An occasional “is this good?” is enough. The receiving partner should be able to relax, not sit through an interview.

Hygiene during and after

• Never go from anus to vagina without washing or changing condoms in between. Bacteria from the bowel can cause urinary tract infections and other trouble.
• Condoms protect against STIs and make it easier to keep things clean. Change it if you move on to something else.
• Wash hands and toys afterward with soap and warm water.
• Pee afterward, especially if you have a vagina. It flushes bacteria out.

If it hurts

A bit of pressure and a feeling of needing the bathroom are common at first and usually pass. Real pain is something else. That's your cue to stop, add more lube, take a step back and breathe. If it doesn't ease, call it a night. There are no points for gritting your teeth.

A drop of blood now and then can happen if the lining gets a tiny tear. If there's more bleeding, or it hurts for several days, talk to a doctor or a sexual health clinic. The same goes if you have hemorrhoids or other issues that make you wonder whether anal suits your body.

Afterward

Stay in bed together for a while. Talk about how it felt, what was good and what you'd do differently. For many people it takes a few tries before it feels really good, because the body is learning to relax. It's worth going at whatever pace feels right.

It can also be hard to even ask, for fear of a no or a strange look. In Hintt you each answer in secret on your own phone, and only what you both want to try shows up. That way anal can come up without anyone having to say it first. Start here.